A friend of mine recently pointed out that a drinking game has been published in anticipation of tonight’s State of the Union Address by George W. Bush. While I am, as a general policy, in favor of anything that encourages the irresponsible binge drinking of this country’s youth, there are certain qualities that must be borne in mind when creating such a list.

• The rules must be conducive to a hard-line interpretation of what “1 drink” means. 1 drink is a single ounce of hard liquor or a 12-ounce beer. Wine isn’t for drinking games.
• With the first guideline in mind, the list of triggers for a drink must be simple enough to keep track of while inebriated. No unnecessarily-nuanced or specific rules should be introduced.
• The human body is only capable of processing so much alcohol before its toxic effects will prematurely end the drinking game, possibly resulting in a slurred call to the paramedics, followed by a stomach-pumping or funeral. The anticipated total number of drinks should not exceed the limits of human physiology if roughly 3/4 of the rules are scrupulously obeyed. This is why most versions of the Star Wars Drinking Game are totally unacceptable.
• When compiling a list of rules, a great deal of editorial control is necessary in light of the above. Specifying a rule that can be reasonably expected to cause a drink to be consumed more than once per minute is simply unacceptable.
• The subject of a rule should be ironic or anthemic in a way that is readily-identifiable by those expected to participate. An excellent example of this would be “Drink any time half of congress gives a standing ovation” or “Drink any time a member of the opposition party is shown conspicuously not applauding.”
• Multiple-drink rules should be rare. These should be reserved for trigger conditions that are either highly ironic, likely to only happen a single time, or highly unlikely. Examples would include “Drink twice if the president commits sepukku,” “Drink twice if the Vice President chokes a puppy to death,” or “Drink twice if the Presidents mentions that his big Social Security Reform push fell flat on its face,” or “Drink twice if the President mentions Casey Sheehan by name.” Examples of things likely to happen only once would be “Drink twice if the President introduces an Iraq War veteran seated within two seats of the First Lady.”
• On that subject, the follow should be present: “Drink thrice if the token Iraq War veteran is not clearly of a minority ethnicity or female.”

My proposed State of the Union Drinking Game rules:

Drink once if:

• The President refers to Iraq as the “front line in the war on terror.”
• The President implies that the economy is recovering due to his tax program.
• The President talks about his dog.
• Anybody whose last name is “Bush” is shown showing the “hook ’em horns.”
• Everybody stands to applaud, but the token military brass in the front row remains seated.
• The Vice President’s smile doesn’t look forced.
• Either man behind the President yawns.
• The President uses ranch-hand vernacular in describing efforts to fight Al Qaeda.

Drink twice if:

• The President refers to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by name.
• The President resigns in disgrace.
• Any Democrat lawmaker tries to shout down the President.
• Any significant number of Democrats refuse to attend or walk out mid-speech.
• The President describes the United States of America as “addicted to oil.”
• The President flips off the audience.

Thank you, and may God continue to bless America.