Fact: Original maps of the United States show 64 states. Modern maps have been carefully redacted, and Google Earth has been censored to hide the true shape of the North American continent. The planet’s actual diameter differs from the official value by nearly 2,000 kilometers.

Fact: The first president of the United States was not George Washington, as is commonly accepted today. The first president was Melvin Ponders, who also has the distinction of being the first necromancer president, the first nonhuman president, the first undead president, and the first president to die in an assassination carried out by none other than Benjamin Franklin himself.

Fact: Television static isn’t anything of the kind. It’s a broadcast designed to keep you from actually seeing what’s actually on those empty channels. This is one of the isolated cases where the power-that-be truly have your best interests at heart, as was the move from analog signals to digital, which gave us another layer of security. Certain early television sets made before 1954 can be tuned to show what’s on those channels, as a few of the older inmates at many mental hospitals can certainly attest.

Fact: Teddy bears aren’t made, they’re grown. The harvesting process is far from painless.

Fact: The original red M&Ms were recalled because of a health risk. What few people know is that the red dye used was a potent aphrodisiac. The recall date, 1976, corresponds to the real date of the end of the Baby Boom.

Fact: Should you have access to a mirror of polished bronze, and were born after 1991, you may try the following experiment. Simply look at yourself in the mirror. If you see a green bar code there above your forehead, then you have my deepest condolences.

Fact: The original draft copy of the US constitution has a handwritten note from John Hancock in the margin requesting the removal of all references to the Thaumaturgic Branch of the United States Navy. A few surviving history textbooks from the 1880s still refer to it, should one be fortunate enough to find one.

Fact: JFK wasn’t shot at all. His head just did that.

Fact: the spotting of a lighted object in 1942 over Los Angeles lead to four hours of anti-air bombardment from all over the city. What few people is that this event was directly connected to the mass production of uranium-235 shortly thereafter.

Fact: Man was not the first to walk upright and harbour malice.

Fact: The Apollo moon landings were faked, but only to as a cover for the real moon landings. Neil Armstrong is not entirely human.

Fact: Pennies aren’t kept in circulation for illicit tracking or spreading rare forms of radiation or any such thing. They were repurposed into talismans designed to repel extra-dimensional entities which have been attempting to attack the US since a cabal of Nazi mystics compelled them to attack near the end of the war. Their ubiquitous presence keeps populated regions relatively safe.

Fact: The ‘remarkably well-preserved’ Lenin in the glass coffin is a wax duplicate placed there for mundane political reasons. The actual corpse of Lenin was laid to rest by a collective of Lenin’s lesser-known Ukrainian associates in Pripyat.

Associated Fact: The Chernobyl Power Plant had no active core.

Fact: There has been great deal of controversy around Barack Obama’s birth certificate. The controversy is both manufactured and utterly pointless: not only is Obama not an American citizen, he is not even human, nor is any of his cabinet. The last human president of the United States was Lyndon B. Johnson.

On a hot summer day, a young boy in Northern California pauses in the middle of his manic, unstructured day and decides it’s time for some food. Mom and dad are at work, so he’ll have to make do with whatever his limited culinary skills can throw together from the pantry and fridge. Cereal is nice, but wears on you after a while. Melting some cheese on a flour tortilla works nicely, and is a frequent go-to solution for mid-day snacks. The boy cracks open the refrigerator to grab the cheese, but lo! What’s the salad bowl doing in there? Put away the cheese, child: there’s macaroni salad to be had!

The way my family puts it together is pretty simple:

• 1lb of ditalini pasta (aka “salad macaroni”)
• 7 or 8 eggs
• Mayonnaise
• Celery
• Red onion
• Tobasco sauce
• Salt
• Black Pepper
• White Vinegar

Dump the pasta into boiling water for about ten minutes and boil up the eggs. While they’re cooking, dice half the red onion and four or five stalks of celery. The quantities are vague because sometimes you’ll want your salad a little crunchier than others. Just make sure the resulting pieces are smaller than the macaroni.

Drain the pasta and dump it into a salad bowl. Shell the eggs and dice them. Add the eggs, celery, and onions to the pasta. Drop in four or five spoons full of mayonnaise. Set aside the spoon you used for the mayo. Splash some Tobasco onto the mayo, add a large pinch of salt and a couple grinds of fresh black pepper, and stir with a separate spoon or salad tongs. You may want to go back for more mayo if things are looking a bit dry, and you don’t want to pollute your mayo jar, do you? Leave the vinegar in your cupboard; it’s listed above because its most important role here is its absence. Refrigerate overnight and serve cold.

The recipe calls for mayonnaise, not tangy white salad dressing. I prefer Best Foods, which I understand is sold as “Hellman’s” in some regions. Salt, pepper, and pepper sauce are present for flavor, and should be added to taste. Note that the pepper sauce should just be adding a little depth here. This isn’t supposed to be a spicy salad. The celery is present for color and texture. You can make the salad a lot crunchier without changing the flavor much by just chopping up another stalk and stirring it in. The onion is present for color, texture, and flavor.

This year, I’m planning on celebrating four simultaneous Earth Days. Single Earth Day is evil. Cubic Earth day is the real deal. Wake up, people.

The above is a Wordle of the content of Timecube.com. The formatting was randomly pre-selected by the site, which I felt was too appropriate to tinker with.