Burrowowl

For better or for worse, truth or fiction, ballot spoilage or fair election, George W. Bush is all set to be the President of the United States of America for another four years. In a rare press conference, President Bush expressed that he has earned “political capital” and that he intends to put that capital to use. Apparently he is under the impression that he has a mandate from the people this time around.

If you look at what are increasingly referred to as the Red States and the Blue states on the maps that the major media outlets are presenting, you can tell that an overwhelming majority of America voted for Bush. This simply isn’t the case. Of the 217.8 million people in America of voting age (over 190 million of whom are eligible to vote), 59,424,706 of them cast a vote to grant Bush another 4-year term. If my math is right (it is, I used a calculator), that’s less than 1/3rd of the people that had the option to grant their approval of his rule.

But Americans don’t vote, so that 1/3rd figure doesn’t mean a heck of a lot. Of the people who bothered to participate in the process this time around, 3,519,683 more votes were cast and counted for Bush than were cast and counted for Kerry. This is less that 2% of the population of the country. It is less than three percent of the votes that were cast and counted. The margin of victory, in relation to the number of people being governed, is minuscule.

I didn’t let Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sit on the shelves very long before I picked it up, and I’ve been joyfully soaking in Los Santos and its surroundings for days now. As will previous incarnations, this title starts briefly in Liberty City, but quickly cuts over to the Compton-inspired streets of Los Santos, where CJ learns that his old street gang is on the decline, and his reputation in the ‘hood is ruined.

The most important thing in GTA:SA is to be down. Sometimes you need to keep it real, but mostly you need to be down. A state of downness can only be achieved when properly strapped. One can be down in a stolen minivan, BMX bicycle, or tricked-out pimpmobile with slammin’ rims, but you must be strapped to be properly down. If you are insufficiently down, you cannot call upon your homies to roll with you for a drive-by. If you think you’re down, but you aren’t strapped, you’ll find yourself wasted or busted, and quickly realize that you weren’t really down to start with. Talk to Emmet if you find yourself not-strapped, keep it real, and you’ll be down again in no time.

Additionally, it’s important to remember to eat in GTA:SA. Don’t eat too much, or you’ll get fat. Not phat, just fat. You’ll still be down, and you can still keep it real, but you don’t want to be fat, do you? Spend some quality time at the gym so you can be strapped, down, ripped, and keep it real. Make sure you’re showing the Grove Street colors at all times, so everybody else can properly assess how down you are.

Don’t hesitate to use a bicycle if you need to get somewhere tricky; when properly motivated, CJ can scale extraordinarily-steep slopes on a bike, and is less likely to get himself killed by hitting a telephone pole than on a motorcycle. Riding around town on a bike can help keep up your stamina (handy for chasing down punk-ass ballas) and prevent you from becoming fat. The only real downside of the bicycles is that you can’t get three Grove Street homies to shoot random passers-by from the stunt-pegs on a BMX.

It’s that time again, time for Americans to stand up and not be counted. Get yourself off to your polling place and pretend that you matter. Throw your integrity and better judgment out the window and vote for one fool or the other. Nevermind that other candidates are better qualified, have better ideas, more faithfully represent your political and social opinions, and throw your vote away on a major party candidate that will provide us with another four years of corruption and status-quo thinking. Go now, and settle for the evil of two lessers. May the Mighty Cthulhu guide your hand in the voting booth, America, for we are truly doomed.