Burrowowl

From time to time a truly remarkable phrase is uttered at a D&D game. There are many variations of it, but it all boils down to “That’s not realistic!” This is ridiculous, of course. You’re playing a game with wizards and elves and dragons and such; you went through the looking glass when you picked up your dice. I ran into the following list online that demonstrates within the 3rd edition rules why anything happening past 9th level has no business even being compared to reality:

• 9th level Bard. He has 12 ranks of Perform, started with 16 Cha and increased it twice to 18 (+4). He also has a masterwork instrument (+2) and a Circlet of Persuasion (+3). His Perform modifier is now 12+4+2+3=+21. This means that, by taking ten, he nails a 31 every time. According to the PHB, this means that by playing on street corners, he will eventually attract the attention of extraplanar beings. Gimble will be sitting around drinking and playing his lute when a genie bamfs in and asks the gnome to perform at his kid’s Bar Mitzvah.
• 9th level Rogue. He has 12 ranks of Balance, started with 16 Dex and boosted it twice to 18 (+4). He gets a +2 synergy bonus from Tumble ranks, for a total modifier of 12+4+2=+18. Taking 10, he will, every time, be able to move at full speed across a one inch wide marble-covered beam. (18+10-5=23 for the check, 20+2(scree) =22 for the DC.)
• 9th level Barbarian. 12 ranks of Climb, now has 18 (+4) Strength, for a final modifier of 12+4=+16. Taking 10, he gets a 26. He can now climb most mountains while raining, moving 40 feet every 6 seconds. (Check is 26-5=21 for accelerated climbing, DC is 15+5=20 for climbing a rough natural rock surface that’s slippery.)
• 9th level Swashbuckler. 12 ranks of Jump, 12 (+1) Strength, +2 synergy from Tumble. His modifier is 12+1+2=+15. Taking 10 gets him a 25. The female world record for the long jump is (7.52 meters)*(3.28 feet/meter) = 24.7 feet. This character beats that every time he wants to. The men’s record is 8.95*3.28= 29.3 feet, which his character could swing pretty easily if he so desired. When the character rolls instead of taking 10, he can hit as much as 35 feet, blowing past the world record by two yards.
• 9th level Beguiler. 12 ranks in Disguise, 14 (+2) Charisma, with a disguise kit (+2). Total modifier is +16, taking 10 gets him a 26. He can disguise himself as a woman’s human husband (+10 for intimate familiarity) as long as she has a Spot modifier of 6 or less.
• 9th level Monk. 12 ranks in sense motive, 16 (+3) Wisdom. Final modifier is 12+3=+15. Taking 10, he can instantly tell whether a person is under the effects of Charm Person or not, every time. (DC 25) And that isn’t “I’ve a sneaking suspicion that something is wrong here” so much as it’s “Hi, my name is Benedict Thelonious. Also, you’re charmed.”
• 9th level Bard again. 12 “ranks” in Speak Language nets him 12 languages, because Bards are awesome like that. There are only 20 of the things listed in the PHB, one of them is Druidic, and he starts with a few because of race and intelligence. He learns this from hanging out in bars, and in addition to everything else he can do. I don’t think there are many people in the world that can boast that kind of repertoire, and finding one in his mid-20s that’s also a competent in battle, magic (which we can approximate to some degree with science or technology), and whatever this guy is burning his other 5+Int skill points on is fairly definitely impossible.
• 9th level Ranger goes tracking. 12 ranks in Survival, 14 (+2) Wisdom, +4 from Search and Know: Nature synergy, and +2 from some manner of tracking kit. Modifier is 12+2+4+2= +20, which means he takes 10 to get a 30. To match this, the DC is going to look like this: 4+5+1+20. That comes from tracking a single Toad (+4 DC for being Diminutive) that is covering his tracks (+5) after an hour of rainfall (+1) over bare rock (20).

Hat tip to Zilvar for pointing it out, and of course the original source by Merlin the Tuna

How much does it cost to buy a vote in the national legislature that could potentially save your business billions of dollars in legal liability for you willfull, illegal actions over a period of several years? Well, it varies depending on the legislator, but for Verizon, Sprint, and AT&T to get retroactive immunity for their role in placing what amounts to millions of unwarranted wiretaps on United States citizens it averaged $9,659 each.

That was how much, on average, a Democrat that voted against the March 14th immunity but turned around to support the June 20th immunity received from political action committees run by these telcos. To be fair, the 129 U.S. representatives that voted against immunity averaged $4,180 in contributions each since the beginning of the year, but that five grand apparently represents the value of your privacy, citizen.

Take a look for yourself. How much did you rep cost? Nancy Pelosi costs about $24,000 to win over. John Murtha of Pennsylvania (former contender for the majority leader position) came in cheap at a mere $5,000. Wonder how that is.

Please note that these numbers are just the campaign contributions, and does not reflect other money spent on lobbyists. There’s a slim chance that the Senate won’t just turn around and show their ass on this. Again. Where do your representative and senators stand?

No, bee cool. Not something I’m particularly into, but I’ve noticed a fair number of honey bees in my back yard, milling around my vegetable garden and groundcover (which happens to have a continuous dusting of little purple flowers). Bees have been in a lot of trouble lately. Buzz buzz.

• Some light reading on the bees

Forecast for tonight: dark, followed in the morning by mostly light.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

This, the fourth amendment to the constitution of the United States of America, was formally proposed on September 25, 1789 as part of a package of enumerated rights and restrictions on the federal government’s powers that smoothed over a number of concerns that the various states had regarding the increased powers being delegated to the central government. Without these limitations, there was great concern that the federal government might inexorably grow into a tyranny of one form or another. It was ratified on December 15, 1791 after a great deal of debate, along with nine others that were felt to be similarly important.

Today the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill, H.R. 6304, which will effectively grant immunity to large corporations that actively aided the government in flagrantly violating this fundamental underlying principle of our legal system. The House of Representative is now officially in collusion with the U.S. Senate in turning not only turning a blind eye to the transgressions of the executive branch (as has been customary for decades), but in actively assisting in those transgressions by promising protection from legal repercussions to the direct agents of said transgressions.

Earlier this year I was disappointed when the U.S. Senate pushed a similar measure through over Chris Dodd’s attempt to filibuster, and heartened when it was soundly blocked by the House of Representatives. What changed here? Presumably when H.R. 6304 goes to the Senate, the same dance will be repeated, with the same results (cloture and passage over Dodd’s objections), and the President will sign it. What recourse does this leave?

By my count, we’ve got the following left:

1. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
2. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
3. No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
4. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
5. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
6. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
7. In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
8. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
10. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

One out of ten isn’t so bad, is it? Or should I straighten out my guest room for company?

Full text of H.R. 6304 (PDF)
EFF Analysis of the bill (PDF)
The yeas and nays

*edit: Dive Into Mark posted a great, concise quote regarding the types of recourse available to the people.